Llamas Evicerate 'jO Bekke at HUgwRts'
by Angelus Nox
Summary: Here is our first fan fiction commentary! Join us as we read through a story riddled with plot holes, total character personality derailment, and a Mary Sue main character who can't seem to remember her own name. Will we, along with our editing llama, be able to tear the story apart?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everybody, and welcome to the first commentary! It is I, your lovely host Ashe.**

**And this is Nacht, your much more humble host. We're here to-**

**Horribly eviscerate this abomination of nature.**

**I was going to say, 'commentate', but seeing the terrible spelling I see already, you might be more accurate.**

**Well, let's get started. This is the lovely "jO bekke at HUgwRts". Seriously, how? That's actually painful to write.**

**Try saying it out loud without laughing. I dare you. It was written by Jo Bekke, or maybe Jo Bele, or maybe something else... This author seems to be unable to spell her own name.**

**It is a Fic set in the Harry Potter world...we think. Maybe it's Harre Potter, or Harre Putter. Who knows.**

**With this Fic, it's impossible to tell. **

**With that, we bring you: jO bekke at HUgwRts. **

**P.S. I, Ashe, am underlined, and Nacht is bold.**

* * *

jO bekke at HUgwRts

**This is painful already.**

**Ah yes. The amazing HUgwRts. Who doesn't know HUgwRts?**

AN Dis iiz mi stury. MI friend edited it 4 me. You're the best, Darry!

**Sorry, Darry, but your editing skills are terrible. **

**And, you know, maybe while editing you could have done something like, oh I don't know, spell check? Just a thought.**

BOOK 1: JO BELLE POTTER AND THE SORCERURS STON

Chapter 1: Dumbledore

Mi nam is Jo bele Susie lilee Puttr.

**Well, there's a name. Why do we care about this girl named "Puttr?"**

I waz drupped uff at mi uncl and ants hose. wen I waz 3 da dark lurd volddenut

**Oh no! Tremble in fear of the dark lurd volddenut! The lesser known awkward cousin of the Dark Lord Voldemort.**

killd mi parents. I used to hav a bruthr but he livs in engglnd. Now mi ant in uncl in sutth carulia razed me. Dey r abusive. Dey rap and hurt me.

**...what. **

**"Razed." We wish they destroyed you. **

**Alright, operating under the assumption that the author is making this character Harry's sister, why did her parents die when she was three? Is she older? And why would she go to South Carolina, a state in a completely different and rather far away country?**

I hav durty blond hair, that hangs down to mi feet. i hav dimond blu ies dat sparkl.

**Diamonds aren't blue. **

**Well, some are, but it wouldn't be an attractive eye color. And, um, wouldn't that hair get a little hard to manage?**

Sometimes my eis are green or yellow.

**Compulsory Mary Sue eye color changing. **

OI am super hot!111111111

**OI? Oi, am super hot! You have no subject. Bad sentence. **

1 dae I waz wlkin doewn da street nd I cm hom der was a ledder on da doorstep. I gspd!11111111111111 it sad hugwurts skill od wickraaf nd wizrdy. I tried to get it butt sdunely… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … .. .. ..

**The worst way to create suspense, ever. **

**Also, I counted 11 words spelled correctly, with only 7 used right in context. **

A knif came me!111111111111111

**Um... forgetting a word somewhere? Or the shift key?**

Im fast thouh, so I caut it nd thru it bak at mi dum uncl.

**"Mi dum uncl." So... Jo B-something is speaking Spanish now?**

**Don't insult Spanish with this atrocity. **

it hit him in da crocht and he did.

**He did... what? Oh, 'died'... How do you die from that? You know what? Never mind. **

**He was obviously hit in the crochet, and it broke his heart. Real men crochet.**

den antie Beatrice cam up. "U klld mi usbnd u freek!111111111111111"

**How does one say, "11111111111111111"?**

Hes nut ded.' I told hur. Den I wavd mi hnd n he cam bak to lif!

**Compulsory Mary Sue 'bringing people back to life.'**

"Jpo bel!" he screemd

Mi ant thru me acruss the rume.\ I hit da wull nd nearly pasd ou

t!

**"Mi ant." And, "I hit da wull." What's a wull? And why would you hit it? That's not very nice.**

**Sigh...**

"wuts dat letr u hav,' jo bel?" ant betric askd

"NOOO" Uncl sd.

"I hut wed stuppd it!" ant betrik sad.

"den unl grvaed be nd thruuu me acrss da rume. DEN DA DUR FLU OPEN!111111111.. ….. .. .. . . .. .

**No! The dur!**

**Why would she say that out loud? Is she narrating her life? **

An old man was der. He had a long blak beerd. He spok in an awsum suthurn bretesh axnt. "I am Pruffsr ALbis Peeter Quintin alexndr Dumbldur!111111111" he crid.

**Southern British accent? Black beard? ALBIS PEETER QUINTIN ALEXNDR DUMBLDR?! IT IS ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE! EDUCATE YOURSELF!**

**It's Albis Dumbldur, not Albus Dumbledore, so we're good. **

**Oh, well that's okay then. **

A flash uv litenin was seen oteside da durr. It lukeed lik mi scar. I hav a scar ov a litenn bult on mi 4hd.

**This is terrible. **

**You know, the scar would've been great mentioned up with the rest of her description.**

Dumbldur sd. "Cum

**Hehehe.**

**Really?**

**Hehehe.**

w/ me jo bel I hav ur bruthur."!1

2 B CNTUUD!

**Dun dun dun!**

**...Why?**

**Okay, so we'll be posting the first two chapters at the same time, just to start. **


	2. Chapter 2

A?n This da second chappy, I hop u lik it!11 Thanks to Darrel for da ediding! Ur da best.

**Yes, thank you Darrel. I think. Who knows, it could have been worse without his help. *shudder***

Chapter 2: Harre Putter

**Who? Does he play golf?**

Dumdumfore tuk mi 2 Englend. It waz relly cull. I saw a olot ov peple there. Wen one of those stinky Nurthurnurs cam up, I killed thm.

**What. You don't just- argh. You are in England! What Northerners? Scots?**

**Hey, it's not like this was making any sense anyways... But why would Dumbledore just sit there while this girl just...murders everyone?**

**Because it isn't Dumbledore. It's Dumdumfore.**

NOrthernurs ar so stupid. Den Dumumdor tok me to ribet Driv.

**Ribet Driv. Home of the bad-spelling frogs. **

We knoked up the door.

**Rude. And biologically impossible.**

A fat gay boy ansered the dur.

**The dur returns!**

/hoo r u" he aksed.

"don talk to me GAYY."

"Dadddyy, he said, running away and crying.

**What is up with people narrating their lives here?**

**If that is Dudley, it's more likely he would have punched Jo in the face... Which would have been just fine.**

Then a 11 yeer old boy cam up. "Who r u.' he asked

:Im prufesxsr dumfumdoor, and dis iz y=r

**Prufesxsr Dumfumdoor! What are you doing here?**

**No. No algebra. I don't care that y=r.**

sister."

"I;m jo bell,' I told him;

"im… … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … …

**Terrible suspense is terrible. **

Harre POTTER!

**He is really excited about his last name.**

bcuntined


	3. Chapter 3

**So thanks everyone who has read the commentary so far! We really appreciate it! **

**And thank you, hermioneongalifrey, for your review; in answer to your question, our 'point' for doing this commentary is because it is fun for us to do, and because we hope it entertains anyone reading it. We get that it isn't like normal stories on fanfiction, but we are trying it out anyways! **

**Now, onto the commentary! :)**

* * *

A/N Daryll ur da bes. Thanks 4 edidin.

**Um... thanks?**

CHaptre 3: The trpi 2 Digon Alee.

**...Priiince Aleeeee, fabulous heeeee, Aleeee Abaaaaaabwaaaaaaa!**

**Oh please...**

"Im HAree Potter," HE SAID.

**Oh, he's HAree Potter, not Harre Potter. Right. **

**You mean Harre POTTER, You have to have enthusiasm.**

**For this fic? Not a chance. **

**:0(**

'NO WAE," i sed. "im ur sister."

"cull he sed,"

Then I noticd somthin. "Y do u hav a Suthern axent wen your from Enhglend?"

"Cuz Im frum Suthern Englend lol."

**That is not how it works! Get your facts straight!**

**RAWRRDHDJSMXLAJXJFHDHFNDJDS! BLASPHEMY!**

**Everyone, please excuse her and stay calm. The building is not on fire. **

**:0P**

"LOl'"

"Don't u hat northurnurs?" he sad.

**Oh, it's going to be one of those fics.**

***gasp* How did you know I hat northerners!? *sigh* It's true. You found me. I'm...a hatter.**

***heavy sigh***

\

"I knoe rite/"

Dumduldur agreed. "now its tim to go 2 Digon Allee."

**...**

**Stop. Ashe. Just stop. **

**PRIIIIINCEEE ALLLLLLEEEEEE! FABULOUS HE! ALLEE ABAAAAABWAAAAAA!**

"But wat aout mi cousins?"

"Dey're stupid Northernors so it don't matter."

**NO! You do not destroy Dumbledore! **

"Good, I jus hat them :

"Now, Jo bekke Will do the majic. Now, telepotr us to Diafon Ally!"

**How does that even? Argh. Compulsory Mary Sue "prodigy".**

**She... She hasn't even arrived at Hogwarts! She hasn't even purchased a wand!**

I said the incantation.

**P.S. It's either a Portkey or Apparation. What incantation?**

Suddnly we were in Digon Alley!

2 BE CONTINUED!11111111111111111

**NOOOOOOOOOO!1111111111111111**

** It's contagious! Run!1111111111111**

***horrific screaming* **

**P.S. Reviews are magical! They feed our editing llamas. Flames are fine too. They feed our fire monster.**

**Who is pretty hungry. We don't want the house burning down again. **

**I said I was sorry.**

**Ashe here doesn't realize that when fire monsters roar and spout fire, you should probably do something. **

**Well, Nacht here didn't realize that editing llamas bite.**

**Ow!**

**Heehee.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and reviewing; we really appreciate it! **

* * *

aN: So, tanks to Daryl 4 fixin da gramer. Ur da best! Flamrs: GO 2 HELL!

Chapter $

**New number guys! $! **

: DIgon Aley

**...**

**Where are you? Make up your mind!**

purt 1

Profesur dumbledum

**Dumbledum, give me gumblegum!**

tuk us to a stor calld Grignots.

**Gringotts is a bank. Not a store.**

Yo can get free monee ther.

**!? Wha- Wha- ? You have a fundamental misunderstanding of how a bank works.**

**Perfect way to crash the economy. **

Wee go in. A gremlin cums up to us.

**Goblin. Not gremlin. **

**Hehehe.**

"oH U mus b jO bEkk potter. Weve been watein

**Watein? Watein is apparently a Summoner in League of Legends. Watain maybe? Watain is a Swedish black metal band. Hmmm. **

4 u. o nd hllo harre."

Dumbldum commntd on his status, "luk her gremlin, jus tak us to der vault, and NOT de enegy drink, ok, do, you, get, that mistr 'helo jO beKL?"

**Goblins/gremlins use energy drinks. Sounds legit. And who is Mister 'Helo Jo Bekl? **

The gremln srummk in feer. "Yes, jus dnt hrt me."

**...wat? *insert "wat face" meme here***

/I wnt hrt u, but jO beKKE might!

The gremlin sed, "letz\s go 2 ur valt."

We got in da sports car and druve

**? Do you even know how Gringotts works? At all? Actually, have you ever even read the books? Or did you just see some art and decide, "ok, let's make a story. It probably works like this."?**

into da valt. "Bi da wae mi nam iz golum," da gremlin sed.

GoLUm tuk us doewn into da valt. "Is this da valt," I aksd.

"Yeperoo,' golumn saeid.

**Goblins hate humans. Or at least dislike them. And I doubt that any of them would be caught dead saying "yeperoo".**

'Iz this da valt,l" haree askd/

"Yes."

Dmbldurm

**Are you even trying by now?**

tuk jo bELe and haree into the lair. DER WAS A DRAGON DER!111111

**Thank you, Redundancy Department of Redundancy! What would we do without you? **

2 B CUNTOUED

**...yay?**

**There are about 70 more chapters of this! Can't wait!**

***sobbing in distance* :0(**

**So anyway, please review! Our llama is getting hungry. And we really don't want to keep replacing our computers.**

*****_omnomnomnomnomnom_*****

**George! No! Keyboards cause indigestion! **


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Stop FLamIm u r stupid nd gae! GO 2 HEKLK!

**I hear Heklk is beautiful this time of year.**

Chpaarte 5: Da mystikel dregon

DER WAZ A DRAGEN DER!11111111111

**Oh no! A dragen!**

Gollum sed, ' u hav 2 dfeet da dregon w? ur pwors 2 get 2 da vult.

**Wow! One word spelled right! Unless you count Gollum. And, um, what? Dude. What?**

**Okay, so I know Gringotts has some pretty extreme security measures, but since when do you need to defeat a dragon to get into your vault? Overexcessive much?**

**Since Jo Bekke started her journey towards HUgwRts. Duh.**

"k," hare end ei sed.

We wnen in but haree got scrd.

**Wow**.

I hd to go in by myslf. Jo bElle wen in.

**Oh, so we're in third person now. **

Da Dragen was ornge aand spok in a northurn axent. "Im da dregon hoo gurds Grinworts!"

**...what? Dude, dragons don't- they don't- ?**

**UNLEASH THE EDITING LLAMA!**

**For a second there I thought you were going to have me release the kraken. Which would be stupid, seeing as we don't have a kraken anymore- I mean since we've never had a kraken. Not even a baby kraken that totally wasn't hiding in the bathtub.**

**Those Kraken Police always mess stuff up. **

*******sniff* We miss you Carl.**

"GO TO HELL~!#$%^'./,./

I stebbd da drehoon thur the hert. It died.

**Where did you get a sword?**

**Or anything else to stab with? **

"GO JO BEKLE! GO JI BKEL! 123 GOGOGO!" Dumdubledumre SCREEMED NGRILY

**What? 123 GOGOGO? Is that a reference that I'm missing or something?**

**No clue. **

"WHOS DA DREGON SLEYOR? N U R! WHOS DA PRETTYST MOST AMAZNG SXYEST BUTIFUL AMZING SXY WONDRFUL GILR? JPO BELLE PUTTER" Du,mblurode Gooluu, Haree, and snale sad.

**snale? Who is snale? And when did he/she/it get here?**

**Please take a moment to imagine Dumbledore saying- no, screaming- these. **

**Now I'm thinking of them all as cheerleaders. Thanks a lot.**

Gremlin sed, "nowe u mae pass into da chamber uv trrezures.

**Yay?**

2 b CONTNUED!

***le ga2p!* Oh no! What are we goiing 2 do? 2eriiou2ly, what?**

**Please tell me that's an error with your keyboard. Or something. **

**2orry. Are you makiing fun of my typiing lii2p? #2ollux**

**Ugh. Anyway, reviews are great! George loves them. Thanks to you three who have left them already!**

**MiRaClEs. :0)**


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Ty Darel for fixin da gramer erurs. Ur da vvest.

**Yep. You're the vest Darel****.**

Chaptr 6: Trezur

Dumblrus sd drastically, "he iz ur twreszrue"

**Drastically? How do you say something drastically? And there was officially one word spelled correctly, and that wasn't even in the right context. Great job!**

**Is no one saying anything about the treasure apparently being a dude? Slavery isn't cool.**

"OMFGTISA" I seD sadly.

**Imagine someone coming up to you and saying that. And how would you do it sadly?**

**"You had a baby? OMFGTISA! Your dog got kicked? OMFGTISA." Apparently this phrase is multi-use. Whatever it stands for.**

"Dnt b so happe jo bEKl;e,' hary sed.

**She's not happy. She's sad. Hary, you are terrible at reading emotions.**

"Ut dis iz mor monee den I evr ceen b4" jo Belke sed.

**More perspective switches? Or is there another character named jo Belke?**

We entrd da trezur rum cotiouslee. We wlkd inid n hrd somtin. Den we luked in. SNALE AND KWERREL WERE DOING IT TOGEDER!

**Snale and Kwerrel? Okay...? Doing what? *gasp* Is this more...CROCHET!?**

**That was a short chapter... On to the next one!**

**Remember, reviews are magical. Seriously, they have to be, they're feeding a llama.**


	7. Chapter 7

A?n Jus cuz u dnt lik a stry dsnt meen u need 2 b meen. GO 2 ur prbablee a gae blak nurthurnur.

**Hypocritical comment right at the start!**

**A gae, blak, nurthurnur? Wow. If that says what I think it says, it's racist, homophobic, and just mean. **

**Right after she told us not to be; I love these stories.**

Chptwer 7: I git rtch/

**She gets retch? Ewww. TMI dude.**

Dmbldumr flu In on hiz brume and beet them up.

**Beware the beet!**

"Yall r hugwerts teachers, yer supposed to be bettr den dis!:

"UR STYUPID ND GAE!: I sae melodramcitaaly

**That sounds less like melodrama and more like haterade.**

"

Snal sad, "y do u hav to b meen to gaes wer humen 2!"

'NO UR NT! UR LUSERS WITH NO LIFE. GO 2 GELL!1111111111111111"

**Go to gell?**

***growling* OH MY COD SERIOUSLY! Argh! *rant censored for children***

Snal and kwirril strtrs krying. Dey ren ote of da rume crieng.

**This repetitive description courtesy of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.**

DumBLDUM "Dose gAE PEopLE AR So STupiId."

**Wha- DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! Word of God said so. Jegus! Arghhhhhhh... *Ashe has broken***

"I knoe arry sed,

Den Harwey nd ei got ur trezure.

**How do you misspell 'I'?**

SDDNLY GolluM sut us in da trezur rume.

Dumbllydum creed ote, "O KNOEW WAT SALL I DOO? "

**Dumbllydum? Consult Dumbledore! He'll know what to do!**

**...**

**On second thought, let's keep Dumbllydum, Harre, and jo Bekke/ Bekkle/Belle in there. I'm sure the gremlins/goblins will find them. Eventually.**

He wEN nd KnicKED on dA

**deviantArt**.

dURE. "lET us Ote u STUPID BlAK gremlin."

**Yep, that'll obviously make him let you out.**

"NVR I LUV MISLF, noew I shell snd mi menyons to rap u."

Den I usEd my majicel abilettees to zap us ote. I klld GuLLum.

**HOW? And would Dumbledore allow an 11-year-old to just... kill someone? Again?**

DEN?| ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

**What a dramatic question that isn't really a question!**

GOLUM CAM BAK 2 LIF!1111111111111

**But don't worry, Jo will take care of him. And Dumbllydum will cheer her on.**

2 b CONTNIUED1!#$%^&*()

**And to your left, everyone, is where you deposit all of the extra punctuation that wasn't used in the rest of the chapter.**

**Hey, Ashe?**

**Ashe? *pokes Ashe* Are you still broken?**

**Arfhasdffdghkjgcfbnmkgbbn.**

**That would be a yes. We'll see if we can do something by next chapter.**


	8. Chapter 8

A.n: UR WRONG!11111111 THE northurnurs r a bunch of dum librels. THE SOUTH R THE 1s WHO WRK!11 THE NRTHurNURS WULD HAv us STUK up OnN HELTP CAAR We WRK DA FLDS U LUSRS sit in facterees aand complaen aLL dae log.,

**#Antebellum problems.**

ur StuPID FAT, And UGLEEE!

**...okay?**

DUMDUMBELRE IS NOT GAE! AND IF HE WAS HED GO 2 HELL!1!111111111111111

**Why do you care so much? And yes, he is, J.K. Rowling said so herself. Jeez.**

IIf u FlaaM ur ObvOUDSLY hjuST A stupid LIbrel Demcrat who DON'T knoe hOW to WoRK :P NORTHURNURS R MUCH STuPIDER,

**And you don't know how to spell.**

Chaptr 8: DE eSCPA

**DE eSCPA!**

fruM Gngiotes

**"We walked out the door."**

AFTR goluM cam bak to lif we celbratd.

**But you were the one that killed him...?**

It TRned OtTE he waz juS bein ConTROled by sum supid librel. Cuz dats wat librels do, dey r control freeks.

**I disagree. I've met several Republican control freaks. You can be a control freak if you're Republican, Democrat, Independent, hey, you can even be a control freak if you're Communist!**

Den da greMIlds tuld us we had to leeve noew.

**I would say so too, if some random girl, her brother, and a Dumbedore impersonator just walked in, killed my guard dragon, and mudrered my fellow banker. Actually, I would be calling Azkaban at that point.**

We lf to go to Medem Milpkinths. Dere was sum freek der. Hhe had blond heir, but he wsnt suthrn. He waz ubvusly nutherm.

**Northern what?! You are in England!**

Haree sat on 1sid an I sat on deotherr.

**On... What?**

:Who r u musnboled:"

"**Musnboled" Wow, there's a zinger. Sounds like an elf name.**

"I,m jO bEklle puttr, n dis iz mi bruthr," I sed stinlkly.

:JJO BELLE PORTER!/?"

**Malfoy's gotten the closest to her actual name. Like, closer than her. Congrats Malfoy.**

**I don't even know what her 'real' name is.**

"Yep, dats me,' I sed..

"I dint tink a suthrnur culd be so SXY.:

"UR STUPID,' I jumPED on hem nd kikd his boodee/ "HAHA' luser,' is ede.

**I think jo bekke needs some anger management.**

"Y O Y" DarKo crede.

"BcuZ ure a DUM nUTHernur aand dats wat haoons"

Den HAMLET CAM up.

**"To join this story, or not to join this story. That is the question." The answer is no Hamlet. Run. Run like the wind.**

" he dumbduymlr wntd to tll u somthin, he sed obtusely

**As opposed to acutely.**

. …. ….. …. … … … … … .. ….

2 B CONTNINUED

Bi Da WaE NORTHERURS SUK!111111111111111111

**Yeah, you kind of made that opinion clear already. Now how about working to improve the story instead.**

**Yeah. That's going to happen. Reviews are great, we want to know what you think!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed! Seriously, we appreciate it! **

* * *

A.N: Danks 4 darryl 4 chkin dis/ Ur da bst.

**Okay, so what is the 'editor's' name? Darryl, Darry, Darrel, Darel?**

Cahprt 9: Dumblumdores mesage

Harmlt tuk us 2 Dumblumdur. "Helo dumdhumrr,' hamlt sed.

**"Sorry, Hamlet, I'm Dumblumdur. Dumdhumrr is across the street."**

"Helo Prufessor Haarmlet" Dumbumbledore said.

**Oh, hey Dumbumbledore! When did you get here?**

"jO beLLE and HaARe dis is Professur Hamlet. He is daa keeper of da kees a HUgwerts."

"Helo Prufessor Haglet," HaRRE amd ei sad.

**Harry. The guy just said that his name was Hamlet. Jeez.**

"Yes, I em Prufesor Hagmet.:

**Stop it! You're confusing us!**

Dumblum lafed ridikilosely.

**I can't see it.**

"alrite chldrn I need to tll u somthin."

"Wat iz it?" jo BelLe asked,

"Itz tim to go… … … … … .. … … PIK OTEUR WANDS!"

**No need. Jo can already do magic without one; we don't need to give her more power!**

We wnt 2 pck ote our wands. We wlkd doewn da street. BUT… …. … … … …. …. …. … … . … …

**Terrible suspense is still terrible.**

HAMLET WAS STILL STALKIN US!1!

"R u a pedow?" I asked.

"No! I just waaantd to knoe somthin!"

**"Why do you keep switching names?"**

Dumbldor sied. "lUK her hamlet, Your just a silly scotish persin."

**Really?**

Hamlit strtd to cri. "Iem surry prufsor."

"dats ok, u scotish people r jus lik oour pets."

**See, this kind of scheiße is why they're voting for independence.**

"Can I git a raze?"

**"You want to be destroyed? Well, I would too if I was in this story. Wait, I am! Ahhhhhhh!"**

Dumbleumr lafed evly. "Y WULD I GIV u a RAZE? Go away u SIMPLE MINDED KREEP!"

**Dude...what? I have no words.**

Harmlet sarted crien agin. Den he run off.

"ALrite childs, lets go pik ote ur wnds/

2BCNTUED


	10. Chapter 10

A;n' Alrite idiots. STOP GLAMIN MI STIRY!1111111111

**No. You can't stop the Glam.**

Jus bcause I hate Nurthernurs and gaes and blak people doesn't meen u need 2 giv me aa herd time!1111

**Yeah, it kind of does. Well, it doesn't if you kept it to yourself, but since you put it in a story, it's kind of fair game.**

Go 2 HE:: YANKEES!1111111111 I write about SUTHERN ENGLAND! Northurn englan and Scotlad are STUPID!1111

**She does realize that the northern US and northern England aren't the same, right?**

**Doubt it.**

Also, thanks to darrel for chekin da spelling. UR DA BEST!

**I'm starting to doubt that he actually edits anything.**

I can't wate for 2morrow. (Darrel nd I aare goin to the mall with sum frends)

**The mysterious Darrel reappears.**

Chaprer 10: JO BELLES WAND

we WeN 2 da wand shop. Der were all surts of wands der. I looked on da pervert roe.

**Pervert roe? Perverted salmon? ...If you say so.**

Der was a buch of stap on wands. Der was also *****************!111111111111111111

**Oh dear. ******************. How terrible. Shield the children.**

Den I went 2 daa SXY suTHern island,

**Southern Island? Do you know Hans?**

were der was a hole buch of wends. DEN I SAWED IT!1111111111111111111

**Don't saw wands, Jo. If you break it, you buy it.**

IT was da most butiful wand in da entir world. IT WAS A PTCH4k WAND! So u can cast spells and stab peeples.

**You have a fundamental misunderstanding of how wands work.**

**I hope she accidentally stabs herself.**

Den a man cam upp bhin us. " MWAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAh!"

I prUf

Esur OLEE, I wull b ur wands prufesur.

**I can't make sense of this whatsoever.**

**I can. You don't want to. (In normal English: "I'm professor Olee (Olivander?), I will be your wands professor.) What?**

**You know it's bad when you can't even understand it in normal English.**

"Cull I said."

"I lik ur wand," he sed happly.

"ITS SXY," I sed.

**Dude, you're eleven. You shouldn't care about "Sexy"**

HAree agreed with me. Prufessor Olee tuk us in da bak of da store."Noew we hav some fun!" Olee sed.

**This could be interpreted very wrong.**

**-ly.**

2 B CONTINUED!


	11. Chapter 11

**We probably should have mentioned this before, but here: Ashe and I do not own Harry Potter, jO bekke at HUgwRts (not that we want it), or any of the works we reference in our commentary. **

* * *

A/N UR SO STUPID! U don't hav a clu!111 Stop messing with me!1111111

**But you make it so fun. And easy.**

NoRTherners ARE stupid!1111111111111111 SUTHERNERS are the smartr peeples in AMERCA.

**And you are providing such a good representation of the south.**

**I thought you said that you were talking about northern England, not America.**

NORturnurs anywaer r all stupid.. Da suttern part of any CUNTRY IS THE BEST PURT!1111111

**Really? Just...really?**

STOP Flaimyn me!11111111111111111111111111111 Ur just jelous bcuz im sutheern.

**Oh yeah. You can just feel the jealousy here. At least I can spell jealous.**

UR ALL a bunch ov STUPOD LibrEL Nrutherners!111111111 U LUSE!11111 I rede all ur storees and dey STINK!11111111111111111111111111111

**Well, I might give you that with ours: I'd think a story criticizing the story that I wrote, and obviously think is great, stinks too.**

IF U DON'T LIK DIS… … … … … DEN DON'T REED IT!

**Now where's the fun in that?**

Gae people aare reel humens… JUST STUPIDSER!11111111111111 im NOT updatin til I ged 5 gud reviows!

**I don't know what's worse...that she said this and someone could have stopped it all, or that there are more chapters.**

Hpter 11: jO bekke nd HArre kill a bnch of RIDIKULOUSLY UGLEE STUPIS BlaK gAE NuthernnORs!1111111111111

**There's a title. I prefer "I Accidentally Vaporize My Pre-Algebra Teacher" or "A God Buys Us Cheeseburgers". I mean, if you're going to have a long title, go big or go home. Also, that is really specific. So if there's someone missing just one of the criteria they're all good?**

**I suggest a chapter title change. How about, "jO bekke accidentally stabs herself with her brand new pitchfork wand"?**

**You mean PTCH4k wand.**

Olee tuk us into da bak of his wand sjkull. He sowed us a bunch of gae Norturn blak peoples. They wer all tied up. "Nowe." olEE sad, "u hav 2… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … … … … … … … … … kILL TESE RIKOLUSLY UGLY STUPID BLAK GAE NURTHERNURS!11111111111"

**... I have no more words.**

"K I sed.

I wne ovr 2 da ridikulusly ugly stupID bLAK gaye Nirthurnurs!11111111111111111111 "don hurt us jO bekle,' dey sed.

I laufed mecanicly. ""

**So... She's a robot.**

I strtd poking them with mi pich4k wnd. DEY strtd screamin so I kiked der PRIVARTE PARTS!111111111111111111111111

thEY scremed in pane!11111 Prufesor OLLEE was chering me on.

**This Ollee guy is a messed up wand seller. Anyone want to bet that Jo accidentally wandered onto Knockturn Alley?**

DEN those RIDIkulously uGLee stupid bllAK gAE nothernurs… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … DIED!11111111111111111111111111111

**Wow. Did you kill them to death? Because, I mean you stabbed them, then kicked them, but considering the strength of an eleven year old, especially one who was "abused", (which I think is not an okay thing to just put in a story as a throw away back story. Not okay.) it shouldn't have done too much damage.**

2 B CONTINUD

I WANNT 5 GUFD REVIEWS OR IM NOT POSTIN DA NEXT XCHAPPPPIEE!

**Well, the story continues, so she must of gotten them. Who would do such a thing!?**

**10 bucks says that she'll post anyways. And be like "I said I wouldn't post until five good reviews but I did this anyways, so be thankful" bluh bluh bluh. But with much worse spelling and grammar.**

**Well, onto the next one! We're on a roll here.**

**Remember that reviews are awesome. George loves them and we do too.**


	12. Chapter 12

An OK, I knoe I sad dat I wudnt updaat tilll I get 5 gud reviews but I got thus written.

**Pay up.**

**I never agreed.**

**:0(**

I H8 U! If ur repotin me den u sjuld go di!1111111111111111111111111 Ur probably just a librel idiot. Also tanks to Darryl

**Don't give Darryl tanks. Don't give anyone tanks. It doesn't work, and they tend to ruin people's gardens.**

for da checking!11 I CANT WAIT 4 2NITE.

**When... you use your new tanks?**

I cant w8 till we c our frends at da mall! UR da best of the best!

**Wait. Two chapters ago the mall thing was "2morrow" so these last three chapters have been within a day or two. HOW LONG DID YOU EVEN WAIT FOR THOSE "GOOD FIVE REVIEWS"?! Jeez...**

**Probably five minutes. I mean, in her opinion, the story is so epic, people would jump to review it...**

CHAptr 12: We go 2 Kngs Crussin.

Aftr I kild the stupid blak people, Hamlet cam up. "Prufessur Dumblundum wants u knowe."

**Wants you knowe? To know what? That there was a mistake, she isn't going to Hogwarts?**

**Apparently, since she ended up going to HUgwRts.**

"K: Jo BEKKE said iunfurtunatly.\

**Unfortunately? Infuriated? Some mix of both?**

Hamlimt tuk us 2 prufesur dumblumdur. Dumbindor sd, "Did u get ur wanz?"

"Yeah, an then I killd sum gae blak peeples with it."

**"Dude, what? Expelled!"**

"Cull," dumbledore saif..

**You heard the man! Cull her!**

"it was fun.' Haree sed.

"I knoe I do that all the tim!" DUumvbledum said.

**I'm still hoping Dumbledore will show up and expose DUumvbledum, Dumbledure, Dumblundum, Dumbumbledore, and all of those other guys as fakes.**

"THAt iz Awsum!" JO beLLE sed. Haply.

Dumbledure then sed, "Alrite children it's time to go 2 knGS cruSSin. Jo BELE tak us to kings crossin.."

I wavd mi pch4k wnd. It glowed and then all ov a suddn.. WE WERE IN KINGS CRUSSIn.

**Ooh, special. Now, if only she could learn how to spell pitchfork, then she'd be really remarkable.**

Haree nd I sawed a family.

**No! Jo, that is called murder. You are just as bad as Voldemort!**

Dey sed, "ALL dese stupid gae Northurn muggls!1111 Cum on Donald."

**Jeez, what did Donald do to you? I'm sure that that is not appreciated.**

"Hey! I! SED! R u goin 2 HUWERTS?"

**Nope, we're going to HUgwRts.**

"UVZ curse we r, dingles," mrs weasel sad.

**Mrs. Weasel sad. Ashe sad too. Reading this story make Ashe sad.**

"Bi da wae, mi nam is Donald." Da redhed boy sed.

"CULL" herry said.

**No Herry! That's rude. You don't cull people you just met.**

"Lets go," donalkd sed.

DEN… … … … … … … … ….. WE rAN THRU DA WALL!1111111111111111111111

**Oh wow! *heavy sarcasm***

**You know, she may have wanted to specify that the wall is a portal thing. Otherwise, Herry, jo Bekke, and Donald Weasel have some property damage they'll need to pay for.**

2 B CoNTuned


	13. Chapter 13

A,n: STOP FLAMIN MI STURYE! U hava no rite 2 flame mi stury.

**You did post it on the magical interweb. So, it's up for critisism.**

I H8 U!1111111111111111111 Ur jus a bunch ov librel gaes! THankS 2 Darryl 4 checkin mi story. I LOVE YOU!11111111111111111 Darrel nd I r d8in now! We 3 ech othr!

**"We three each other"? I love using numbers to express my emotions.**

**:0) I 3 you! You 7! Calm down, you don't need to 5 out here. Yep.**

**Well I sure 4 this story.**

**Whoa. You're serious. ;0) Hey. Why is 6 afraid of 7?**

**Because they kept getting paired in lame jokes together.**

**No, because 7 8 9. Jeez. Learn your comedy history.**

Chaptre 13: Da hofwasrtz expres!11111111111

**Okay, seriously, figure out where you're going.**

WE run thRU te wall. Don said, "We shuld go sit dowen," he sed unhappily.

**Why are you unhappy? You're going to HUgwRts! And who is Don?**

Jo belle and HAree got onto da hUGwerts eXpres/. I luked around the rume. There was no1 iin 1. "Letz sit her," Donald sad.

**Sit who? Ooh, are you starting a babysitting-on-trains business?**

"K,' I sadi.

We set down. Thn daa fat trullee lady cam long. "EAT FUDE ETE FUDE!11111111111 "

**The people on this train are a lot louder and more outright.**

donald sed. "I ain't got no monee 2 by fude."

**You ain't got no grammer neither, Donald.**

**Jo's rubbing off on him.**

"dat's alrite. Ill bye it." I sed.

**"Okay. Bye!"**

"OMG Ur jO beKKE puttr!11111 " da trolley lade said.

**Ugh... The "Everyone Knows and Worships Her" Mary Sue.**

"i knoe,' I lufed vicouslee.

**Why? Dude, all she did was recognize you. Why would you "luf" viciously?**

"her, u can hav freeee fude, cuz ur so pretty and u dfeeted da dark lard."

**I didn't see anyone giving Harry "freeee fude" in the actual story.**

**Also, it seems like jo is more well known than Harry. Why? Why would the one that went to South Carolina, USA, be more well known than the one that stayed in England?**

:cull I sed.

hAREE nd I got fude. We started tto ete and then someone barged in the room.

**Rude. But not as bad as when she "knoked up" a door, not to mention the dozens of people she murdered between her house and King's Cross.**

IT WAZ… … … … … … … … … … … … . …. …. … ….. … .. .. . .. .. . ... . HERMONEE!

**Well, Hermione did kind of barge in in the book too... And, ta-da! Hermonee! At least with her name it's somewhat reasonable to have misspelt it. Kind of. Ish. Maybe. Sort of. Misspelled. Misspelt. Whatever.**

**I would forgive her for the spelling if she hadn't mangled everyone else's name already in the story.**

**You know the drill. Reviews are awesome! And so are the reviewers.**


	14. Chapter 14

**I'll be brief here, since I'm sure all of you have heard it a million times: thanks so much for the comments and views! We really enjoy reading what you all think of the commentary. It really motivates us to keep making more of these (horrible) chapters!**

* * *

AN: LUK HER DUMBELLS!1111111111111111111111 U SUK!1111111111111 STUP FLAMIN! UR JUS JELUS OF DARRYL AAND ME DATIN!

**Um, we don't care. That has nothing to to with the story.**

I H8 U!11111111111111 GO2 WHO IZ TERA?/ I DON'T KNOE A TARA?

***hissssssss* Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica!**

**In other words, "NOOOO!" Seriously. Do not mention her name!**

**The name. The name of evil! And don't "In other words" my exorcism!**

**Ashe, let's keep the exorcism to a minimum.**

***hiss***

CHAPER 14 HAREMONY

**Rabbit dollars?**

HARMONY rans in. "Hiya guyes," se sed.

**Hiya! Who are you? And why are you so excited about your name?**

"Who ar u?" I asked keenly.

"ei em HARMONY!" HARMONY said.

**Again. Seriously.**

"cull,'

**Stop it. Culling is wrong.**

sed. Im… … … … … … …

**It's almost like she's waiting for Harmony to complete the sentence for her.**

"JO BELLE PUTTER!" HARMONY sed.

"yea!" jO bekkE sED;

HARMONY CHEERED.

**No need to yell.**

She had a jo bekke t shirt on. She wore jo BElKe earings, and JO bekle stamped pantz. She Also had a ho belle arm bracelet. She also had a JO belle ring on. And her finger nales had J-O-B-E-L on each hamd. "IM UR BIGGEST fan," HARMONY SAID.

**You'd think that they would have noticed that when she walked in.**

"cull I,' sed.

**Argh!**

"yeh, can I sit her?'" HARMONY said.

**Oh, she's joining the train babysitters too? Alright then.**

**And so begin the adventures of jo Bekke and Herry Puttr, Donald Weasel, and HARMONY.**

"Sur."

"NOW I hav 2 tell u somthin.. …. … … … … …

**Oh. The suspense. How suspenseful.**

**Very suspense. Such wait. Much wonder. Wow.**

**Or we just go on to commentate the next one. Such grammar. Very errors. Much terror.**

**Wow. Very doge. Very review. Such good. Much llama. Wow.**


	15. Chapter 15

aN Stup flaMIN MI STURY!1111111111111111111111111 Dayrryl is AmAZIN!111111111111111

**I doubt that anyone is flaming Dayrryl. Just the story. **

**Well, he is "editing". I'd flame him too.**

I LVUU U DARRYL

CHAPTr 15 Da secret of HARMONY

**"To have harmony, you must learn grammar and spelling. Only then can there be peace on earth."**

**And mercy mild. "Grammar. Spelling. Sentence structure. Characterization. Long ago, the four writing traits lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when jo Bekke attacked. Only a good beta, master of all four traits, could stop her. But, when the world needed one most, they vanished." **

So HARMONY told us she had a secrit 2 tll us. i got all exited. "WUT is it,' ei esked.

Then the hugwetrs epres got there. We got of.

**And, you know, HARMONY didn't take the five seconds required to tell them what the secret was.**

den we saw hamlet

**Hamlet! Not again! Leave! Get out of this place!**

and he was aall lik, "FIRST YEERS GET UR BUTS OVR HER!11111111111"

**Ah. So professional. And, I know that I say "was like" a lot, but really? " he was aall lik"?**

So we got oovr der. Hamlet den sed, "now evry1 get on a tracter."

**A tractor. Really? I guess HUgwRts doesn't have the funding for thestrals like Hogwarts does. **

we AKK got on tractors 2g2 hugwrts. The rid der waz relly cull. EXCEPT… … … … … … … … … … … …. .. .. ..

**...and?**

HARMONY FELL OFF DA TRACTER!

**Oh no! **

2 B CONTNUDE\

**Dude! No nudity! Seriously! This is supposed to be somewhat kid friendly ish.**

**Yeah... Totally...**


	16. Chapter 16

**Yep, we're back with more of this story. Again, thank you so much for the reviews! **

**Also, we'll be trying to upload these more evenly. No more of this weird 'no uploads for four days and suddenly three chapters at once' stuff. But knowing my _completely_ awesome organizational skills, that probably won't happen. Ugh. **

* * *

IF U FLAM UR REPURT UR OBVOUSLEE A STUPID BLLAAK GAE UGLEE LIBREL HO NORTUHURNER!11111111111

**Um, actually not. What is a 'nortuhurner', anyways? Any idea?**

**No idea.**

daRRYL thanks 4 da editin!11111111111111111111111

**Ugh. Someone should totally just, stab daRRYL.**

**Someone please show this writer to the beta writer section.**

**I kind of want to write this out with normal spelling and grammar and watch it still not make sense.**

Chapty 16: Trever and Nevil

**Who?**

HARMONY fell off da tracter.

**So we heard. Nice of you to sound so concerned.**

I scremed anxiecially.

**What even is "anxiecially"? Spellcheck doesn't even have a suggestion. Like seriously, what are you trying to convey here?**

"!'''''''''''''' we SHouteD/

**Hey, Ashe, exclaimation point!**

***gasp* Excuse you.**

Den she got bak on dda tracter. "Im k,' se sed.

**Well... That was... Pointless...**

**I thought she was HARMONY. Apparently she's k.**

"BUT. .. … … … …. … …. … … .. … I FOUND DIS TODE NAMD NEVIL"

**Um... She does realize that Neville is the student, and Trevor is the toad, right?**

TRever sed, ":HES MI TODE!111"

**You have got to be kidding me. *facepalm***

HARMONY gav trever his tode.

Den HAmlET tuk us into da grate hall,. PRufESsur McDonald was der/ "HO, I AM PRUFESSUR McDONALD?" she saod/

**Well geez. You can't just address your student by "Ho". It's rude and unprofessional. And, McDonald? Okay...**

**And she apparently is questioning her own identity.**

**A better (comparatively) sentence would be "Ho, Am I Professor McDonald?"or "Ho, I am Professor McDonald!" Or something.**

Then he took us to the big door. She sed. "DIs iz Wer U WILL B SURTD!" he sed.

**Suspense? Not really.**

**#"cliffhanger"**


	17. Chapter 17

AN If U FLAM ur obvuslee a DUFUS!

**More so than you? At least I can spell those words correctly: "If you flame, you are obviously a doofus."**

**Ooh, doofus. Busting out the big girl words here.**

BY THE WAY, I LUV U DARREL

CHAPTRe 17: DA SURTIN CERUMONEE

Prufesur mcDonold tuk us into the dining rume. "DIS WER U will b surtd,' MCGNALD" she sed sadly.

**Why are you sad? Oh, because you know you will have to deal with Jo for the next seven years?**

**Poor McDonald. Her name has lost several letters. She is now MCGNALD. the vowels have fled for safety.**

She tuK us INTO da rume. AT the end of da hall der waz a cowboy hat on a stull. IT luked relly cull. HARMONY sed, "OOOH I'm exited."

**So you're absolutely sure that you aren't basing this off of the United States South? (America is the continent; USA is the country. Fun fact.)**

DEN Da surtin hat sang. "IM THE HAT! IM THE HST! EIM DA HAT! IM DA HAT! IM DA… … … … … … Hat!11111111111111111111111111111

**Hello? Jo? Dora the Explorer called. She wants her song back.**

Den it sand, Der ar 4 hoses wer u will go. STI NKy slithern iz 4 da luser NOURTHURNERS!1111111 AND BLAK GAE UGLLEE PEPPles. DATs da wurst hose,

**The sausage hose. Sounds legit.**

**Blak gae ugllee puppies? That's just rude. Puppies don't do ugly.**

DEN b nm DEN drs ravenclawed wer da clever suthernors go. Den ders hufflpuf wer da butiful suthernurs go/ DEN DERS GRIFFYNDER!111111111111111 DATS WER DA BUTIFUL, CLEVER nd BRAVE suthenurs go.

**A million dollars that Jo is going to sort herself into "Griffynder".**

**Plot twist: jo goes to "slithern". Also, if "Griffynder" has both brave, clever, and beautiful southerners, while "ravenclawed" and "hufflpuf" take clever and beautiful respectively, why is Griffynder stepping on their turf? Besides a reason for jo to be all of the above.**

Den Prufessur mcdonald called mi nam. HE

**McDonald is just not having a good day. Now she has turned into a he.**

sed, "JO BELLE POTTR!"

jo bekke ran up to te stag.

**Harry! No casting Patronuses!**

I put mi cowbuy hat on mi hed. "Oh," da sutin hat sad.

**Your hat? Jeez jo, don't get greedy here.**

"UR jo BElke poter. Ur pretti, nd clever. UR also brav. UR NOT 1 OV DOSE STUPID GAE BLAK NURTHERNURS! so u shuld go in GRINFINDUR!"

**What happened to Griffynder?**

Evrybodee chered 4 me cuz I luk relly cut. Den I sat down at greffendur. DEN Sum1 RAN IN DA rume!

**With a chainsaw. And he used it to murder Jo. All of the students cheered. The end.**

"LISEN UP DUFUSES!" IT WAZ… …. … … … … … … … … .. …. … … … … … … …. …. … . ….. SNALE!

**If Snape uses a demeaning insult like that, it will not be doofuses. It will be dunderheads.**

**Very true. And since Jo is related to James, maybe he'll dislike her as much as he dislikes Harry in the books. Maybe. But with more lethal results.**


	18. Chapter 18

AN: Y r yall FLAMIN mi Struy? UR MEEN! Jus bcuz I hav views dosnt meen u kneed to b meen about it. BI DA WAY, I LUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV U DAARRYL. I CANT W8 4 TONITE~``````````````````````````

**Great. Tell him in person, not on the Internet. I hope you two have fun with your terrible grammar and spelling. **

Chapter 18 : DA KKK

**You know, probably not a very good idea for a chapter title... Or anything...**

Den da GREFfenfdurs wen up to da towr. DEr was dis old man der. HE luked relly old. He was kinda pal nd ei culd c rite thru him. IT WAS… … … … .NEERLY HEDLIS KNIK!

"HELLLO' jo bekle, "I AM NEERly HEdliss KNik!111111111111111111111111"

"CULL,;' I sed.

**Actually, you can't cull him. He's dead already. **

"Yes, no I must tell u a awsum secrit!111111111111111111"

**What is up with people not telling secrets until the next chapter in this story? Siriusly!**

**:0D**

**...really?**

**What's Ron with my puns?**

**That they exist. **

***sigh* you will Neville appreciate these puns, will you?**

**No. **

2 B CUNTINUDE

**Well, that was a short chapter. **

**Reviews are delicious! Thanks to those of you that have already done so! **

**Delicious for the llama. We don't eat our words, or yours. **

***nomnomno-* *clears throat* yeah, yeah, the llamas love the reviews.**


	19. Chapter 19

**I think this would be a good chapter to remind you guys that we do not, in any way, agree with Jo's views. Also, we do not own the story, nor do we want to.**

* * *

A/N UR SO STUPID U DUMMEEZ!111111111111111111111111111 IM A BEDDER WRITER DEN U.

**You want to bet? **

YALL R JUS JELUS HOMOSXAULES!111111111111111 UR STUPID UGLEE GAE BLAK

**So far so normal.**

MUZLIM

**Okay...**

MURMEN CATHLIK KRISHTEN

**These all somewhat contradict... And, then, what is she?**

GEEK ORTHYDOX DUFUS AND NURTHURN!111111111111111

**I think she listed off every religion and 'insult' she could think of. **

**How about Judaism. Or Buddhism? Or Hinduism? Also, Catholiocism is a part of Christianity. And, since when is Geek an insult? Or is that supposed to be Greek Orthodox?**

**Be glad she didn't include the whole population. **

**Fair enough.**

I H8 U!1111111111111111111 u KNEED 2 go 2 da hospital 4 STUPId medicin!11111111111111

**Oh, okay, I'll meet you there.**

ur a bunch ov luzers!111111111111111 o tanks to darel 4 chekin dis.

**Again, do not just give people tanks for doing a terrible editing job! How did you get tanks in the first place?**

**Don't you love how she has this huge rant and then just "oh, thanks for looking at this Darryl." It's like Mrs. Weasley's Howler in 2nd year. She yells at Ron and then is just like "Good job at school Ginny."**

Chaptre 19: Nerely Hedliss Kniks secrit,

Neerly Hedless knick sad dat he waz ourt of a SECRIT orginzaton.

**It's so secret he needs to tell a random first year! **

He sed it waaz calld da KKK.

**Oh gods. It's one of those stories.**

We dnt lik gaes, blaks, muzlims, mormens, Baptists, nurthernurs, cathliks, greke orthydoxes, canadeeins, azains, dufuses, and nurthurners.

**Let me rephrase that sentence: "We don't like anyone unless you are named Jo Bekke."**

**Greek Orthodoxes? That's rather specific. And azains? Okay...? Also, how can you dislike Canadia!?**

**They don't like 'dufuses', Jo. You can't join. **

"cull ised."

**Who is ised? And why are you giving orders to cull him/her?**

**Probably because he or she falls under one of the categories that the KKK doesn't like.**

"It iz cull," he sed.

"du u wnt 2 join?"

"OF CURSE I DO!11111111111"

**Jo Bekke logic: If it involves hating people, she wants to join. **

"Now we mst get ur outfit…." He sed trimupntaphy/

**Ok. Everyone, go up to the nearest person and say "Hello" to them trimupntaphy. Let us know how it goes. **

**Outfit? Oh no...**

2 B CNTUED!11111111111111111111111

**Have you noticed that "continued" is slowly losing letters? It is ashamed to be in the story, so it's gradually disappearing...**

**:0) Reviews are still magical!**


	20. Chapter 20

**1,000 views? You people are awesome. **

* * *

AAN: STOP FLAMING U DUMBLEDORKS!111111111111111111111111

**This is my new thing to call someone. After absolute walnut and wet napkin. Dumbledork.**

**Yeah...**

UR JUS STUPID MUZLIM NURTHURNURS.

**Nope!**

Chaptr 20: I tlk 2 HARMONY and haree

**Great, a chapter dedicated to talking. We have enough spelling and grammar issues during narration.**

HARMONY sed, so did u jone da kkk?"

"yeh, lol," I sed happly.

:cull" haree sed.

**Jegus, enough with the culling! Haven't you killed enough people?**

Trevur cam up, "HAV U Ceen mi tode?11"" he sed happlee.

**You just lost your toad! You would not be happy.**

"No u dumbledorf I havnt.'

**"You dumbledorf". That's beautiful.**

'k,' he sed.

:hoe did he get into GREFFINDUR?" I asked.

"No clu,' haree sed.

**Not nice. You don't belong in Greffindur either.**

**There was actually something interesting on Neville being in Gryffindor. His worst fear was Professor Snape, as shown in third year. And yet he faced the guy almost every day for seven years. That's some class-A bravery there.**

***shrug* True, that.**

HARMONY sed, "So wat shuld we do 2morowe?'

"We shuld go visit prufesur McDonald," she's lik da best suthern teacher evr!"

**Oh, so McDonald is a girl again.**

"Yeh, she is," HARMONY sed.

"Ok den c u 2morow," I sed, waving by to HAryr and HARMONY.

**I've given up on ever seeing their names spelled right.**

**HAryr. Just, HAryr.**

**Harry's on vacation. So is Dumbledore, and Hermione. Can't wait until they get back and clean up this mess. Might want to turn Nevile back into a student, and Trevor back into a toad. That could be useful. **

**Don't forget Ron. Donald is getting old.**

**I've kind of accepted that hUGwRts is a cheap rip-off of Hogwarts. Discount version, you know. **

2 B CONTUNIED

**So, our school's summer break is coming soon, and it might be difficult for Ashe and I to get together to commentate. Are there any other stories you people would like to see individually commented on? **


	21. Chapter 21

**Erm... sorry? What, we haven't updated in, what, a week? I'll just blame it on this thing called school...**

* * *

AN: DIS is a relly gud chaptr. IF U FLAM UR REPURT DEN UR AN NURTHURNUR!111111111111111111 Ur also a lusr hoo haz no life.

Chatey 21: Prufesur mcdonalds secrit

Dan ex dae we went 2 da prufessurs rume. "good.' He sed, 'nowe ive got a secrit 2 tell u."

**Yep, just tell it to the first first-years that happen to walk into the room.**

**Oh look. McDonald's a he again.**

"Wat iz it.' we asked eXitedlee.

"Im gunna showe u how to do ADAVENCED majik." He sed.

**No. Just...no. They don't even know simple magic! They haven't gone to a single class yet!**

HARMONY screamed, "yah,'

I rolld mi eyes. Den prufessur mconld showed us how she did da advanced majik.

**That's a really detailed description. She just... showed them. Great! And of course they picked it up right away.**

**Of course they did.**

"Dis iz relly culkl I sed.

DEN SOM1 CAM IN DA RUme! IT WAZ… … … … … …. … .. … …. PRUFESSUR OLLEE, nd HE WAZ HULDING A PORNKEY!111111111111111.1

**I.. don't even know where to start with that sentence.**

2 B CUNTINUED

**But seriously, we're going to try to update more frequently. Virtual imaginary llamas for anyone who forgives us? Maybe? Anyone?**

***Sigh***


	22. Chapter 22

**Hi guys. This is Ashe. First, you guys rock, and your reviews are awesome. But there is one I want to talk about briefly here. It was a guest, and they asked us to take the story down. Don't worry, we won't, and it's fine to have that opinion, but I feel like I should say that you shouldn't call her (the author) a slut. I don't like her particularly; she's a racist homophobe with bad spelling and grammar. But that doesn't mean you can call her a slut. I have a rather large issue with the use/overuse of that word, and I could go on, but it wouldn't the fair to other readers. Just, we love your opinions, but please maybe watch how you put things. Thanks very much, and sorry to everyone else who had to read through my little rant there. :0)**

**And, um, if you're going to do that, don't do it as a guest. Do it with your username, so we know who posted what comment. You know what we mean? Okay, we're done. Now onto sarcasm! **

AN: U DUM IGNURAMUSES!

**That's actually pretty impressive. I wonder how many times she's been called that?**

U SUK! I hat u! STOp flamIN me. IM nut A TRULL!1111111

**Of course you aren't a trull. You could be a troll though... And for humanity's sake I hope you are.**

DO I liv undr a bridge? NO, den how ca trull?

**...what? You, my poor, poor, grammar deprived friend, are in need of an urban dictionary. Or a brain. Both are god.**

**You mean good?**

**Uh...yeah. But god works too. :0)**

**Has anyone else noticed that when Ashe makes a smiley face, it looks like it has fallen over and smashed on the floor?**

**:0(**

U dumbledorfs hav NO LIF!111111111111 IF U REPURT ME den ur a dum muzlim, wos probly a gae nurthernur 2! I H8 U! Btw tanks to0 darryl for da editin,

**Dude! What have we said about tanks!?**

Ur DA BEST BF EVR!1111111111111111111111 CHEK OTE HIZ STURY. ITZ ABOUT HAAREE GEDDING A NEW TRUK!11111111

**Oh god...**

**Why...?**

Chaptr 22: Prufesur olees secrit purtkey

**Very secret! Just like every secret thing in the story, the owner needs to tell Jo and her friends.**

Olee was holdin the portkei. "Alrite now dat uve lerned dis VERY advancd majic. U need 2 go 2 dumbldums office. Uze this 2 get der."

**If they know such "advanced magic", why would they even need a Portkey? And...wtf?**

**They learned this 'very advanced magic' on their second day of school. Wow.**

We wen thru the purtkey.

**You don't go through a Portkey. Trust me, you can't fit inside of a boot.**

Prufesur Dumbledore was sittin in his easy chair. He rolld around and luked at us. "Nowe, nowe children. I hav sumthin 2 telly u."

"we luked at eech uther. "What is it

?

**Did you look at each other and scream "Nooooooooo!" dramatically after finding out about your father? No? Then you didn't Luke at each other, you looked at each other.**

Well, lisen her."

'I knede sumthin do/"

"wat iz it?" wee asked.

"Ok dufuses, dis isz wat it iz," dumbldor sturts/

**Yes, the way to get someone to do something is to call them 'dufuses'. *shrug* Sounds right.**

We w8ed suspicusly.

**We weighted suspiciously. Okay?**

Ten Dumbledore sed. "you must help me on a secrit progect!"

**Stop it! Stop telling all of your supposedly 'secret' stuff to this group of possibly untrustworthy, first-year, badly spelling students! They don't deserve secrets, they don't deserve advanced magic that they can somehow learn in two minutes! They should just be kicked out of the highest tower in the castle and get eaten by a giant squid!**

**Astronomy tower, if you're interested.**

**Meet you there in an hour. Bring the chloroform and spears.**

**Don't forget about fireworks!**

**Bait to tempt the squid, too.**

**Sounds like a party.**

2 B CUNTINUDE!

**Well...22 down, what, like 53 to go? Yay. If you want to join our squid feeding party, drop a review in the little box down and to the right.**

**We'll treat it as an RSVP. Say what you're bringing, too.**


	23. Chapter 23

**So our school's summer break began yesterday! Yay! **

**MidnightGoddess2112, SteamingGilmorePotterLover98****, and RT joined us at our 'Attempt to Feed Jo Bekke/ Belle/ Beke to the Giant Squid' Party yesterday. Thanks for the supplies guys- hey, maybe the plan didn't really work, but we celebrated afterwards. *shrug* Next time, maybe Ashe will steer clear of that 'ptch4k' wand.**

**And our llama won't get captured.**

**And I won't trip and nearly plummet to my death from the tower. **

**In other words… heh, heh… maybe next time we won't fail.**

* * *

AN: STOP FLAMIN!1111111111111

**Human Torch is offended.**

I TINK UR ALL A BUNCH OF DUMBELLS!1111 U SUK!111111111111111111

**She's just mad because we tried to push her off of the Astronomy Tower last night. **

**Jeez, touchy. It's not like it worked completely.**

**That's an understatement. ****I'm not going to talk any more about that fail.**

IF U REPURT UR A MUZLIM BLAK PERSUN! oh nd tanks 2 darryl 4 chekin! Reed hiz stury!11 hes on mi favorites list.

**I love this. She's all like "RAWRWNDOCLA SJSPAASKDKSNSNJDODKEJE oh hey Dave KEJFHDKCHDKSUSJAOJSHS." It's beautiful.**

Chaptr 23: da gient skwid

**Hey, it's the squid! Maybe she'll get eaten!**

We all wundrd. What waz da secrit project? We wundrd all dae.

**The suspense is killing me. Or maybe it's just the story.**

Den we wen out 2 da gr8 lake.

**To the Great Lakes? Superior? Michigan? **

**And here I was getting the impression that she didn't like the North.**

It waz relly cool. We w8d ther 4 a wile.

**For... what?**

**"We weighted ther four a wile." ...no words.**

Den donald ran ovr 2 de edg. He luked over nd then… … … … … …. … … THE GIENT SKWID GRABED HIM!1111111111111111

**NO, NO! Wrong person, squid! Come back!**

2 B CONTINUDE!

**Such long. Much done. Very chapter. Wow.**

**Spare me. **

**Is it bad that I heard that in a Snape voice? (The "spare me", not the doge. Though...mmphfffff :0D )**

**"Take out your cauldron, Potter. And while you're at it, kill Jo Bekke. Now, where can you find a bezoar?"**

**:0) "Now class, take out your cauldrons. Very Potions. Much simmer. Such fail. Wow."**


	24. Chapter 24

**So just a note: since Ashe and I are on summer break, and don't see each other at school to commentate, there will be less frequent chapters until we ****can figure something out. I'm thinking every other day, but we are running out of chapters in reserve, so there might be a longer break once we hit that point. Sorry about that, everyone. **

**On a lighter note, thanks to all of you awesome reviewers! I looked on the stats today (about 20 minutes ago) and couldn't believe it when I saw we had 35 reviews! All of you rock!**

* * *

A?N U GOT MI STURY TAKEN DOWEN!1111111

**Yay! **

I H* U! sTUp FLAMINg mi STORY! LUSErs ur all blak and gae.

**And two sentences in, we have racism. Welcome back to Jo Bekke, everyone. **

Lso tanks 2 darel 4 chekin/ AT Leest he LUVS me. Reed hiz stury.

**If it's at all like this, I think not.**

Haptr 24: Da stupid REPORTERS

Den a bunch of dum REPORTERS cam nd wer stupid. I beet tem up (DAARREL WILL BEET U UP IF U KEEP BEIN MEAAN 2 Me!)

**Bring it Daarrel.**

**Why would reporters want to interview her? **

**Because Donald got taken by the giant squid.**

**Actually, I think she won the Yearly Worst Mary Sue Award.**

***pathetically throws confetti* yay. *pchoooo* (that New Years thingy that unfurls noise)**

**You're about as specific as Jo. **

**:0( Now the clowns are angry!**

I kiked der *******. Xden I lafed at da DUM BLAK GAE NURTHURN repurturs. Then I shut them wi? Mi pich4k wand. Dey fell ovr nd died,

**"But one escaped. The next day, the headlines on the Daily Prophet read: "Student at Ripoff Hogwarts Arrested for Slaughtering 100 Reporters." Jo was sent to Azkaban. The end."**

***joyful cheering in distance* *horrible sobs from Azkaban***

Den aftr a day or 3 we decidd 2 hlp donald.

**After a day or three!?**

**Jeez. Poor Donald. You have really crappy friends.**

I divd in da water. I swimd in. I piked up donald and pulld him ote.

**He would have drowned! Jo, do you EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF DROWNING?**

**Doubtful. It's not like she's really understood the concept of anything else.**

"JO BEKKE U SAVD ME!111111111111111" he shoted.

**You know, after three whole days. Why didn't you swim away yourself? Oh, right, plot device. **

"I knoe."

DEN HE KISSD ME…. …. …. … … …. ….. …. … ….. …. … …

**Omg, suspense. *heavy sarcasm* **

2BCONTINUDE!11111111111111111111111

**I think I'm about done with this story. **

**No! Don't leave me here with this! Nooo! Naaaaaaacht! Nacht? Hey Nacht? Your name is not very conducive to long, drawn out yells.**

**And this is why I haven't abandoned this mess of a story yet. Might be soon, though. **


	25. Chapter 25

AN: so k, lusers/ Dis is MI story,

**And for that, we are glad. I do not want the rights to this terrible work. **

I dint compee any1

**What? I honestly don't know what she's trying to say here. **

, u northurnurs obvusly dnot get dis. Il hav 2 tell u agin. Alrtie STOP FLAMAIING!1111111h111

**Who's Alrtie? Keep flaming!**

Chapter 25: Donled nd I

**What happened to Donald? You ditched him for Donled? Ouch.**

I kissed him bak, but im a bedder kissr anyway,

**Dude, you're eleven. ELEVEN!**

I was gthinkin about skoolwork and that I waz goin 2 hamlets after schull 2day. Im glad we get 2 go 2 Hamlets.

**I don't know about you, but I keep getting this feeling like Hamlets is this restaurant that she keeps mentioning over and over. Too much SSB: MFG. * shudder of extreme horror***

Hopfully data idiot boy trever dosent try to come gwith us!11 he is sooooooo noying.

So I was kissin donald and den all of a suden!... … ….. ….. ….. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. …. . … ..

**Stop with the terrible suspense! Really!**

Hamlet caam up!111111111111

"Wat iz it?" I esked suspiculy.

**Dude, you were waiting to go to his house? Why are you suspicious now?**

"Kwirrel haz ben Found brakeing into da CHAmber oF secrets!111111111111111111111111

**Oh no. Kwirrel. **

**Such horror. Much scream. Very gasp.**

**Wow. **


	26. Chapter 26

**Everyone, thanks so much for the comments! You all are awesome!**

* * *

An: STOP mflaminf!111111111 I ***** h8 u. ur a bunch of simple lusrs. Thanks to Darryl 4 checkin da story.'

**Yeah, great job! You did absolutely nothing... Were you playing around with your new tanks? Oh, wait! She actually spelled 'thanks' right! Start the party!**

Chaprte 26: da 3rd corridor,

**Um, correct me if I'm wrong, (which I doubt it; I know Harry Potter; I wrote an essay on it) but the 3rd corridor isn't the Chamber of Secrets. It's where Fluffy (and by extension the Philosopher's / Sorcerer's Stone. Chamber of Secrets is Myrtle's Bathroom, which is, I believe, on the second floor. Little bit of trivia for you.**

**And it's the third floor corridor, not the third corridor. I don't think anyone numbers their hallways.**

"That's terrble I sed angrily.

**But, you know, don't do anything about it.**

'I knoe," Hamlet said.

"Wata shall we do" I askd.

**This is the most understated response I've ever heard. **

"Evry1 importent is meetin by da 3rd corridor.

**"So, go to your rooms. You are first year students, not nearly important enough to be there."**

" Go ther

We wntr ther. HARMONY luked around suspicuslee. "waat is that 3 heded dog doin there?" she wondrd.

**Really? **

**To be fair, I'd be wondering too. You know, after going "ARGHHHHH! What the *BLEEP*?!" And getting out of there.**

Den professor mcdonagol flew in on her raven brome (Dos any1 ls thin she loks lik a raven?_

**Ummm...no. I think she looks like Maggie Smith.**

**She's actually a cat Animagus. Cats eat birds. Anyone see an issue?**

"culm dowen every1"

WE REN DER.

**Ran where? You were already at the third floor or Chamber of Secrets or whatever.**

***shrug***

"HELP me ?" TreVOR screamed suspiciously.

**Was Trevor with them? I didn't realize. And, um, what?**

THEN. …. ….. ….. … DUmbledure flew in!

"alrite every1 go bak to ther rumes!111111"

**What is going on here?!**

**Error 401: Good Plot not found. Please try again.**

We went to our rooms, but Donald held me bak. "Wat is it?" I askd.

"Mi nam isn't rely donaald he said?"

**Donald, why are you quoting someone? **

"OMG, wat is it thn?" I asked, cautiously.

"Darryl!1111111111" he sed.

**Oh dear gods. Please tell me she's joking.**

**Yeah, right. Welcome in another self-insert, guys!**

**Ten bucks says that Darryl and her break-up between now and the end, and "Donald/Darryl" gets another name change.**

**You're terrible. Don't hope for bad things to happen to her. It's not nice... Erm. Who am I kidding?**

**... -_- really?**

**On second thought, let's see if the giant squid is hungry again. Or our llama- he hasn't made an appearance in a while, and he's definitely hungry. **

"Well idc wat ur nam is!1111111 I lov u anywae!"

"i lov u 2!" he sed, den he kissd me!

**Man, these eleven year-olds. Back in my day, eleven year-olds weren't going around kissing each other all the time.**

**Back in your day? Erm, Ashe, you know we were 11 just, like, four years ago, right? **

**Shhhhhhhhh... **

2 B CONTINUDE!1111111111111111111111111111


	27. Chapter 27

AN: hey gufd NEWS!111111111 1 of mi friends is joinng ffn!1111111111 she a gr8 riter,

**Something tells me that your interpretation of 'great' is different than mine.**

and shes darryls sister. I cnt w8 till she posts her stories on her. Dey r realy good.

**Oh gods, save us now.**

\

Chaapter 27: darryl

Wen I fuomd out that donalds nam is darryl I was plesently surpirsed.

**Why? Did you know someone named Darryl earlier? Do you prefer Darryl as a name instead of Donald? Because, you know, your real life emotions and memories shouldn't be present in your self-insert Mary Sue- oh wait. Alright, continue.**

Den I go all exited when he kissd me.

**So... he kissed you and you left?**

The next day we had transformation. We all ent der. Profeesru McDonald was teaching his class. ALrite, "she said, "every1 needs 2 find ther cetes.

**WTF is a cete? **

**A gathering of badgers.**

**That makes no sense. Then again, what has in this story?**

**"Alright everybody, find your group of badgers!" Is this like, Home Ec or something? "How to Raise a Successful Group of Badgers for Dummies"?**

Wen found r cetes.

**Well congrats.**

**Don't congratulate them- Wen found them, not Jo. **

Daonryld was sittin nex 2 me.

**If you're going to change the name, remember that you changed it!**

HArmioney was sittin on mi othr sid. She was werin a jo belk t shirt 2dae.

"I luv ur tshirt," I say.

**That's narcissistic.**

**It's Jo Bekke. Narcissism is the word that best describes her. But it's a Jo Belk shirt, not a Jo Bekke one. **

**Ahhhhh.**

Then job el went bak to her work. Prufesur mcdoneld drond on nd on about turning pigs intyo desks.

**I thought we were using badgers?! What happened to the badgers?!**

**They fled the story. Don't complain. **

Bi da time the lesun was d1, me nd donald wer the only ones that had d1 it.

**Really? Are you sure? Not Hermione, the brightest witch of her age, or Harry, who was moderately competent? It's "Ron", who was the last of the three to get spells? Are you **_**absolutely sure?**_

**Ashe. Stop looking for logic; you aren't finding it. **

**But-but... :0(**

**My logic meter reads, 'Nonexistent". Not that we didn't know that already. **

**On the other hand, my "mierda del toro" meter has broken. Twice.**

SO then prufesur mcdonuld sed, "alritee dumbdorfs u can go now. Draco do a bunch of homework bcuz I relly dnt lik u."

**Um, Draco died in one of the first chapters, remember? Jo killed him. **

**And what were you saying about logic?**

Darryl and I lafed.

THEN…. …. ….. …. …. … HAREE CAM UP!

**Whoa! Amazing! *heavy amounts of sarcasm* **

" I hav a massage 4 u!111111111111111" he sed.

**Ummm...okay. Thanks for the massage brother-that-only-ever-really-shows-up-when-convenient-to-the-plot-and-does-like-absolutely-nothing-else.**

**Come on, HAREE. You have better things to do than massage your messed-up racist sister in the middle of the transfiguration classroom. I think Professor Mcdonuld would have an issue with that. **

"WAT?/"

"we hav 2 go 2 dumvbledore noew!"

**Ooh, an adventure! **


End file.
